I don't know about all of you non-coffee drinkers out there, but I am appalled by the lack of common sense and decency shown by most coffee-house frequenters. I am also appalled by the fact that I cannot get my simple cup of Joe without waiting in line for ten mind numbing minutes.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I thought coffee shops were called "Coffee Shops" for a reason .... not "double half-decaf, non-fat, iced mocha latte with hazelnut shops". Goddamn, if you hate the taste of coffee beans so much then why the fuck are you bothering getting a fucking drink! Argh.

Also, these cretins of human waste who order these pussy drinks will also waste your time by ordering for their entire OFFICE. "Okay, I'll take a double espresso iced latte, no foam; two mochachino lattes with skim milk; an Americano with whole milk and some extra cream; a grande double mocha latte; a regular coffee, and five Non-fat bran muffins". Jesus-fucking-christ. Why don't we just give you the goddamn espresso machine!? Some of us, not many any more, just want our simple $1.18 cup of coffee which we can put the cream, sugar and flavoring in OURSELVES!

These things in mind, there should be a few rules of the coffee-house:

1.) If the person behind you seems to be in a hurry, ask him/her if they're just getting a cup of coffee before you order your $6 cup of shit that will take a NASA crew to prepare.

2.) Know what you want BEFORE you get up to the counter. Most people know exactly what they want to get and have money ready. Java isn't the most difficult thing to order, but if it is for you then stand aside to those who know what they want.

3.) If you have a large order, try to call it in ahead of time, or try not to place your order during one of the busier times of the day. Not only is this bad coffee-house etiquette, it's just plain rude.

4.) If you have to make the girl behind the counter figure out the fat content in a Rice Krispie treat or how many calories are in a fat-free muffin then maybe you shouldn't be eating it at all.

5.) Don't argue or complain to the person preparing your drink. Not only are you wasting his/her time, you're also wasting the time of everyone else in line. Besides, they're forced to deal with cranky non-caffeinated people all day for their measly minimum wage. I was taught to never argue with people who prepare my food, and I think most people should do the same.

6.) Don't make special orders if there's an exceptionally long line behind you. Like I said before, see if anyone who might just want something simple like a muffin or coffee go before you.

7.) Also, don't try to pay with a check or some obscure credit card that will take four minutes to check on for your DRINK. On a side note: if you're paying with change then try to have the amount figured out before your drink is brought to you. This is proper etiquette in most areas of payment where lines are concerned.

8.) Finally, if you must be a whiny, self-absorbed, superficial, cranky sorority girl who has to yap on her cell phone or to her friend, then please, for the love of Christ, keep your voice level below that of a 747 flying overhead! Coffee-houses are not the most sacred places on Earth, but they're usually being frequented by people who are reading, listening to the Count Basie being played on the speakers, or quietly talking to others. If you want to talk like it's going out of style about how you "couldn't figure what to wear today" then go the fuck outside.